When I started Grad School I knew I was going to be putting my life on hold for a while. There were the financial considerations for sure, but more than that, I knew that if I was going to do it right I was going to have to commit a huge amount of time. Not just class time and reading time and writing time, but thinking time and understanding time. That is about to come to an end.
Granted, it is going to get more intense before it is over. I know that. I’m prepared. But I also know that I’m going to need a reset when this is over. I haven’t had a real vacation – the kind where you don’t take work or textbooks with you – since 2005. And those breaks I have had were short. I think there was one time where I had five days in a row off.
It was between jobs.
Tonight I cleaned out my savings account and bought tickets to Rome. I didn’t consult with anyone before doing this. I didn’t ask my employer (it looks like I really will have a job with the City once my internship is finished in a couple of weeks). I didn’t talk to any friends. I haven’t told my parents. There are a handful of logistic issues that will need to be addressed – Dog being the major one. Three weeks – yes, three weeks – is a long time to leave Dog anywhere. I don’t want to send her back to my brother’s house to be chained to the patio, but that is definitely an option. So is boarding her at the vet’s. They love her there.
I have no idea how I will finance the rest of the trip – the plane tickets cleaned me out. It will all work out though. I have a really good feeling about it. And if worst comes to worst, I have a credit card – that I have once again paid off to 0. Plus, I think I have a couple hundred euros around here somewhere from my first European trip. I had food poisoning on the way back and didn’t have the patience to get the currency exchanged at the airport. It’s been in a ziplock bag ever since.
There is a big change in the works. I can smell it. Or maybe that is Dog’s Frito Feet. Either way, snacky!
I’ve realized two things in the last few weeks. First, I really need to adjust my diet. Second, I need to do something about my depression.
The diet – I’ve been on a severely calorie restricted diet for years now. Most days of the week I ingest 1600 or fewer calories. Considering that a 1000 calorie workout is not an unusual thing for me, you’d think I was rail thin. No so. I’m not overweight, but my body refuses to let go of the last layer of subcutaneous fat no matter what I do. I’ve finally accepted that maybe that is because my body thinks it will starve to death if it does. So this week I’ve started a new diet. I’ve doubled my protein intake and cut my processed carbs and sugars by 70 or 80%. So far it has been interesting. I’ve had a little more energy, and, since the protein and veggies I’ve been eating are by default lower calorie than the carbs, I’ve allowed myself to eat more – to eat until I feel full. I’m not used to eating until I feel full. It usually only happens one meal a week or so. Today it happened three times. And while I did have the sugar craving, I didn’t have the between meals snack attacks that I usually have. I’ll give it two more weeks to see how it goes – if I have any noticeable changes in my weight/energy levels/muscle tone before I re-assess.
The sugar is going to be the hardest part to give up. I can already tell.
The other thing is that I’ve accepted that I have a serious problem with the depression. It isn’t constant – I don’t constantly feel like ending my life. But periodically, and usually about one week before my cycle, I come down with the kind of depression that could and probably should put me in the mental ward. I do a pretty good job of hiding it in front of other people. Then again, I do a pretty good job of hiding all emotion in front of other people. Unless I make an effort to express anger or happiness or whatever other people generally don’t know. I’ve learned to make an effort – particularly with positive emotions – because I think that makes other people feel more connected and it lets me experiment with being emotionally exposed. Which is a good thing.
I was not always like this. I think my emotions used to be much closer to the surface. Things have changed a lot though.
But the depression is definitely a problem. Another month like the last – and I’m not sure what might happen. That is part of the reason for the trip – it is something to look forward to no matter what. It’s paid for. Done deal. No backing out. And if it comes down to having something to look forward to and drugs, I’ll take the something to look forward to. I’m hoping that having that something will help me to keep some perspective when the hormones take over. I’m also hoping that the dietary adjustment will help prevent some of the rollercoaster that my processed carb diet was fueling. Mostly, though, if March is like February, I’ll be going to the doctor and doing whatever I need to do to get the uppers or downers or whatever it takes to make it through that pre-cycle week.
Stuff like that makes me wish I had the kind of PMS associated with bitchiness and chocolate cravings – instead of wanting to kill myself. Yeah.
So, to sum up, I think I have a real job offer in the works. I’ll know the details next week. I’ve planned for my post-grad vacation – the one I promised myself I would take but kept putting off the planning until I was almost convinced not to take it. I’ve changed my diet – hopefully for the better. And I’ve accepted that if I don’t get a real grip on my emotional variations, I need to get professional help.
And I’m in the thick of my thesis.
There is a chalkboard at work that is on the mid-floor landing of the staircase leading to the second story. Every month somebody writes something at the top and invites people cruising the stairs to write responses. Last month was a question about goals for 2011. I didn’t write anything. This month the question is “What inspires you?” This time I had an answer.
A Challenge.
I’m feeling pretty inspired. 🙂
SecondHand Saint 