It has been 12 days since I last swallowed a prescription medication. I’m better than I was last week, but still not without withdrawal symptoms. The underlying unease has lessened so that now it is a slight headache with mild nausea. Occasionally it suddenly worsens, usually with no warning, and I’ve had a few instances where I’ve felt like I was going to pass out or throw-up or both. It happened in Target today. I went to the gym this afternoon, and felt really good for it. After my workout, I showered and went directly to the store. By the time I got there I had a headache, and I was having a little bit of disorientation, but it wasn’t too bad. Mostly I just kept forgetting what I was there to buy. But by the time I was down to the last few items on my list I was light-headed and in a cold sweat. I felt like I was going to pass out or fall down, and had to lean on the cart through checkout. I’m not sure what triggered it – I had been doing just fine earlier. I do wonder if it has to do with the fact that I have been having a hard time eating.
Food seems like it will be good, and I’ve gone to the effort to make some of my favorite comfort foods in bulk so that I will have something I want to eat. But at least half the time I make the meal, take a bite or two and then throw the rest away. It just makes me feel ill. Coffee too makes me sick – one cup and I have the shakes and I feel like I need to throw-up. Alcohol doesn’t even sound good, and the one time I had a couple of drinks, I was so sick that it felt like I’d regressed almost a full week in the withdrawals. Even tea, which is normally my go to for just about anything that ails me, is making me ill. Twice today I made tea from my favorite loose leaves and ended up either dumping it out or pouring it into a jar that I hope I might be able to drink later. They smelled good, but when I went to drink them I just knew they would make me ill. Ginger is the only spice that is working for me at this point. We had a very unfortunate incident with curry on Saturday that was not the curry’s fault, but none the less resulted in an unpleasant afternoon. The tea thing is a little distressing, but the rest of it isn’t inherently bad. Dropping or seriously cutting back on my alcohol and caffeine is something I’ve been trying to do for a while. And sweets aren’t that appealing either, except ginger and black licorice candies – and one can only eat so much of that.
I do wonder how long this is going to continue. I’ve wanted to do some day trips over the holidays, but I don’t feel well enough to venture too far from home. I have a couple of business trips lined up for the end of the month, and I’m seriously hoping that I’m doing considerably better before then – otherwise it could be brutal. Public outreach on emotionally charged legislation always is. Doing it with what is essentially a narcotic hangover does not help in the slightest.
Last week I told my doctor about tapering and quitting the Cymbalta. He was upset with me, but acknowledged that I did it correctly. Mostly, though, he told me that I was exaggerating the severity of the withdrawal symptoms. That I should be over it already. That it just cannot be as bad as I say. Because there is almost no mention of withdrawal in the official drug documentation. I was insulted, and more than a little irritated when he said I was making more of it than necessary. I shrugged it off but my next visit with him will be my last. I need to close all the loops with my care so that I can resolve my files and start over with my new insurance and new doctors. I still struggle with how dysfunctional the healthcare system is in the U.S. I’ve come to believe that this is the result of a profit oriented capital healthcare market. I’m full socialist on this one – and I know that my experience has been far less difficult or expensive that many others.
There are two side effects of the withdrawals that are surprising in almost a good way. First, I get a runner’s high super easy during my workout. None of that spending 3 miles working up to it. It hit in the first mile today and stuck with me throughout the whole workout. It really makes putting in the gym time easier when it feels good at the time. Second, my libido seems to be waking up. I’ve been single for the last three years, with one of those in severe pain and the other two drugged up. My counselor and then the psychiatrist have been after me to try dating and consider looking for a relationship. When I was in pain, I didn’t want to drag someone else into my life so that they would have to deal with me like that. It didn’t seem kind or fun or helpful for anyone. After I got on the drugs and started having regular surgeries on my back, it just seemed like way too much trouble. TME – Too Much Effort. I did a handful of online dates – because when both your friends and your doctors are laying down the pressure, it becomes TME to deal with them, and it is easier to let the online process just fail on its own – because it most definitely will fail if it isn’t actively worked and cultivated and provided dedicated time and labor and other things that are also TME. I had no desire for a relationship or a partner or even sex. My body felt numb, when it wasn’t hurting, and my emotions had no flavor, no aroma, no color. Especially after I accepted the defeat handed to me at my workplace by my then boss. I was going through the motions. Well, lo and behold, my nerve endings are starting to wake back up. Yeah, the pain is significantly worse. My back and hips ache pretty much constantly, and I can ignore it about 80% of the time. The rest of the time I’m trying to “lean into it” to do whatever I need to do to get it below the threshold where it gets in my way. So there is that. But then other nerve endings are also waking up. My skin feels different. The muscles in my legs and my core are more responsive. And every once in a while I find a person catching my attention with their attractiveness or their appeal. That hasn’t happened in a very long time. It feels strange and it surprises just about every time. Who knows, maybe someday the idea of a relationship won’t be TME to consider.
But probably not before I quit feeling like I’m nurturing the worlds longest hang-over.
SecondHand Saint 